I lied again.

I neglected my blog once more in favour of a crazy social life and i am truly sorry..

But anyhow I'm back And i bring tidings of festivity and love - i wish.

Well its the 20th of November and I already have 80% of my christmas shopping done, so out of all this i have indeed achevied something.

And I was also asked out. Yes thats right. Asked out. Not in a Chicago fancy going to Brighton and then the cinema with me? Oh no. He really pushed the boat out. Kenny. Who I had only met twice before this revelation.

So, this is the story. I explained to my friend Maisie that the reason I was down is because I am feeling a bit lonely and would like to get into a relationship. Fair enough i thought? My previous 'boyfriend' is now 18, so you can imagine my surprise when after I am used to 'seeing someone' before committing to them I received this text.

And i quote..

" Lol Maisie told me u were looking for a long term relationship.. I hope she was aloud to say but yer I have givem it a lot of thought n i think that I could be that relationship lol if u want"

See it is quite sweet, spelling mistakes and all if it werent for the fact...

Ive met him twice. Hes 12 days younger than me. He asked Maisie for sex half an hour before he sent that text. And he showed no sign of being bothered when i politely declined his question.

So. By the end of this week, all i have acheived is no boyfriend - whats new - some christmas shopping, a belief that i have an obssesive personality as this has been plaguing me for days, and a extremely dire need for my old relationship with my ex.

Life sucks, don't it?

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"Jaffa cake my dear?"

"Why yes, I would very much like a jaffa cake"....

10 minutes later..

" Oh god. And i told everyone i was eating healthily. How many was that? "

"48."

" Some one up there doesn't like me.."

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I apoligise for this grave mistake and just hope my keyboard can forgive me.

AHAH.

I have indeed been neglecting my blog, but i have been suffering from writers block as the most exciting thing that has happened to me recently is realising we have a squirrel in our roof , and a certain other event which i shall discuss in a mojo.

Yes i did just say mojo.

Anywho, the other day I visited the college i want to go to, and let me tell you, it was brilliant, they have two salons - as i would like to become a hairdresser/ beauty therapists, and i can take the combined course which runs over 2/3 years.

IM SO HAPPY

Well, i wouldn't say i was happy but more content.

I still have to endure the arguments between my stepdad, mum , brother and I, but to be honest these dont really affect me anymore.

I noticed that during one of our family rows, my brother seemed a lot more upset than i did - probably because i've gained a resistance to the vicious comments i receive - yet he hasn't. I suppose being the favoured boy out of a family of sisters and our one other brother K being 25, he isn't used to this kind of treatment.

Shame.

I suppose he'll just have to play on his Playstation/Nintendo/Laptop or blast out heavy metal on his brand new stereo with two large speakers connected also to his two tvs - one 37 inch the other being 20 inch - while he sits on his double bed texting on his state of the art phone that he got given last week.

Meanwhile, i lay on my single bed, with a pillow over my head, in my box room, wondering wether my two year old phone still works after my brother threw it across the room the other day, or if my Nan would like to play monopoly, or should i read one of my state of the art, brand new from the charity shop/ bookshop/ car boot sale books.

Its a such a hard life for him.

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Its all kicked off.

My parents and my brother keep ganging up on me.

Well in actually fact me and my stepdad fall out, and then he convinces my mum its my fault.

Cos my stepdad is in my opinion a pathetic excuse for a man.

He actually slags me off.

As in full on bitches about me.

And he is the most childish pathetic man i have ever met.

Ultimately he hates me because i hate his daughter, and always have, and now that she gone off the wall and had a kid which has been taken away and shes addicted to heroin, he has a go at me so that he can vent his upset and annoyance at me being right, at me.

So yesterday, when I had an argument with my mum, how could he resist getting involved?

And when i apoligised to both of them - someones gotta be the mature one - imagine my surprise when he threw yesterdays argument at me five minutes ago.

Right now I'm honestly livid, he makes me so angry I actually want to smack him in the face.

Hes that aggravating type of arguer, who will mock you because he hasnt got the sense to think of a better argument.

I give my oath here and now, that next year I shall move out when i go to college, else he will move out in a bodybag.

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To the smell of steak and kidney pie.

Been sick twice.

Kidney is the most grotesque tasting/smelling thing I've ever had the misfortune to come across.

But unfortunately my parents do not see it that way.

So whilst i'm recovering from my ordeal, I decided to put some music on and I am amazed.

Pendulum Blood Sugar, officially one of the best songs I've heard in a long time.

I cannot believe what I've beeen missing out on all them times I switched off Kerrang and watched Kiss.

Out goes the Neyo cd and in comes the Pendulum one...

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YAY!

Not that i've ever celebrated it before but my brother and sister in law are throwing a halloween party, and it gives everyone the excuse to dress up.

I searched for hours looking for a good costume idea, and i have indeed decided to go as the snow queen, a personal nickname, i obtained because of my cutting remarks. I've ordered a white wig off ebay, and making the dress out of a white crushed velvet table cloth we have.

Green aren't I? Recycling and all that

I might buy some lace though to adorn over my outfit and some pale blue dye to give that icy effect.

My brother J is going as Aladdin. My 16 nearly 17 year old brother.
How depressing.

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Mum and A gave me a camcorder yesterday, which is 15 years old.

I could sell it for about 20 quid on ebay but that takes too much effort.

But anyhow, I rewound the tapes, and the first tape was excruciating to watch.

Back in the day in year 6, my friend Tallgirl and I sang at our schools summer fete.

Singing Britney Spears.

In front of all our peers and teachers.

And let me tell you this - it is bad.

I seemed to think i looked stylish in my polkadot 2 piece set, complete with ra-ra skirt and over the knee platform heels.

Throwback or what.

Towering over me was TallGirl, 5 ft 7 at 11 years old, and boy did she get stagefright.

The first song, Everytime, was mainly performed by me as TallGirl shoved the microphone in my face halfway through her verses, and i sang my little 4 ft nothing lungs out, fortunately in tune.

This torture went on for almost 4 minutes and then we ( I ) went on to sing Overprotected complete with a pathetic dance routine, while another friend of ours danced in the back round.

The applause would have been pitiful if it wasn't for the fact that our classmates cried louder than anyone, and my family - more like a tribe - contributed to the applause.

And i watched all this at 11 o clock last night.

And then i wondered why I didn't get any sleep.

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I see the agony she goes through every day, I help her manage the cocktail of drugs she has to take for the pain, and the spasms, and the shakes.

Every once in a while i come downstairs to find my mum in bed not able to get up because her legs will not work, and i then have to manipulate the muscles in her legs to get them working.

My mum is the strongest person I know.

And yes, I agree with assisted suicide, because I am not selfish enough to keep someone alive, who is begging to die because the pain and humiliation is to much,  because I dont want them to die.

Its easy enough to say I disagree with assisted suicide if you don't have first hand experience with someone with a crippling disease.

My mum always says " I'd much rather be remembered for the happy memories, than the memories of my life wasting away."

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/7644094.stm

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I vaguely remember telling her not to buy something, because it was hideous, and then her getting in a sulk about it. And i'm not being disrespectful because mental age wise, she is about 13.

But anyway moving on

Yesterday i finished a piece of artwork that I've been working on for a while <---

Today I've gotta go meet my drug addict Ex.
And i don't mean he smokes the waccy baccy, I mean hes pretty bad.

He rang me yesterday, after a couple of months of no contact.

"Chicago, come meet me. I need to talk to someone. everythings fked up, people are after me cos i owe them money, i'm homeless e.tc"

" I know its all a bit fked up"

" Yeah really? God i really wanna slap you right now.Hard."

" Well you can slap me tomorrow, when you come meet me?"

" Alright, but i'll only meet you if your clean. I'll ring you tomorrow."

I put the phone down, and sank onto my bed in utter disbelief that i would be going through this again, and it occured to me.

You cant help people who don't want to be helped.

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Not that i'm that bothered but it's my money thats paying, and i don't personally need to see it again.

But I love my mum, and she needs her space.

My Nan - technically me ex step-nan on my fathers side who married my dads dad - live with us even though she technically has nothing to do with my mum.

See, my mums a darling.

But basically after my Grandad died five years ago, we agreed to take my Nan in, as she has learning difficulties and can't look after herself.

And I love her to bits

But she is time consuming and i know that sounds horrible but my mother has Multiple Sclerosis and she needs to rest a lot.

So I have graciously offered to take my Nan shopping in brighton, so my mum can have time to recover after her birthday weekend, and we are going to see Mamma Mia.

Aren't I the sweetest daughter and grandaughter in the world?

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Everytime i turn on the telly, I get stuck with Bonnie Tyler or Bon Jovi in my head.

I swear the amount of times ive listened to living on a prayer recently, i'd be surprised if it hasnt gone into youtubes top videos!

Teehee.

Damn their infuriatingly brilliantly annoying adverts and the delicious taste of their chocolate..

I should sue for emotional trauma of me putting on weight - also down to my quitting smoking - and the need for 80's revival

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So is lots of peoples.

Its like, many people have a dream but then they have like a realistic job they want to do.

Like my brother J. He's had dreams where he wanted to be a famous chef or rockstar, but realisticly he wants to be a vet.

Not me. Oh no. I just have the singing.

I like writing and art and cooking and plenty of things.

But i love singing.

So when i said to my dad the other day , " Dad can you ask Your mate if she can give me vocal lessons?" I expected him to laugh outright and say no.

But he didn't.

And then my mum said to me that she had always pushed try a range of things but ultimately to choose something that would make good use of my brain - because im gifted and talented apparently. But after speaking to her friend who had been a secretary for years, she had a change of heart and now wants me to just be happy no matter what i choose to do.

So should i pursue it?
Its such a fickle business, and when i watch people on X Factor - I know I know -  I Just dont feel up to the standard of some....

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Officially.

We are dead.

Well techinically still alive but theoretically, we are dead.

In my post Smash My Head In I wrote about the confrontation i had with my ex friend who for the purposes of this story, we shall call Rich Bitch. And her 'hounds' CP and SA.

Well it seems that i am the not the only one on the hitlist:

Myself
B                 = My best friend. Apparently
AJ               = B's Friend
SL               = A Hardnut
SW             = A friend of mine
YE               = SW's best friend
HairDye      = A mutual friend of everyones including CP
Some Boy   = Not sure who he is
 LB              = A girl i dont particularly like but wouldn't wish to be beaten up.

All the people in turn, that the Rich Bitch doesnt like. However HairDye was previously one of CP's best friends until she hit her on friday night.

Thats right.

Smack in the chops.

And i quite like HairDye, shes really nice. So when i heard about her 'friend' hitting her, I had to know the full story.

CP and SA went up to the local park looking for LB, and asked HairDye where she was. HairDye explained that LB wasnt up there yet and when the cronies walked off, HairDye rang LB and warned her. So did YE.

CP found out, and apparently demanded to know who told LB. YE confessed and walked off. HairDye denyed it with all her heart - although she is not to be begrudged cos CP is actually quite scary.

"Shall we do her in anyway?" SA to CP, on orders from the Rich Bitch.

CP "Yeah". And then turning round and smacking HairDye. She then proceeded to fight YE, and SW.

Quite a night for the old girl , eh?

But they still cannot see past their leaders orders, and therefore i have to agree with RichBitch. They are like her dogs. What a pity they cant see how RichBitch uses them. We all certainly can.

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And all of this is down to the fact I have quit smoking and every time my family members went out for a ciggarette, i reached for a fatty sin.

Now at 15, im sure your wondering, what is this girl doing smoking and worrying about her weight in the first place?

Well.

Thats a long story

But it all comes down to the fact that now i have quit smoking after 3 years with the aids of patchs and inhalators, i have also put on about 2 stone.

And at 5ft 1 and previously being a size 6, 8, it shocks you a bit when you go shopping and all your clothes are12's and possibly 10's.

I spose i shall just have to say ive put on warmth for the winter, but i do honestly feel a bit uncomfortable generally with this extra weight. It all feels a bit strange.

And i do like my jaffa cakes.

People shouldnt have birthdays, it is a cruel experience where ex smokers have to eat and eat because of the smokers, and there is always some type of food to eat at the birthday spread.

Happy Birthday Mum.

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"UH HUH" I swear the only thing that man does at the moment s look for ways to irritate me.

A few seconds later...

" Im gonna have a shower in a minute, before all the people get here." Said my brother J, while A stands near him. I wait for the remove your toiletries request.

Still havent heard it.

..

God.

Im gonna go fight for the shower now.

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An ex friend of mine, with whom i have an ongoing fued with, had started speaking to me via someone elses msn. We rarely talk so you could imagine my surprise, when after making my coffee i came back to find this.

"What the fk Chicago? You been st stirring between Me, CP and SA?!" Now CP and SA are not people to be messed with. They are cousins, and part of an infamous family, who have the reputation of being the hardest people in the area. In year 7, I had the pleasure of being on the receiving end of SA's violent side and after being beaten up, my ex friend - who was my friend at the time- became friends with SA, to cover her own arse, in my opinion.

"What?"

"You told everyone that i called SA and CP my dogs," She did on a previous trip to brighton, and on my return home i foolishly confided this info to my best friend B,"And we aint f##king happy." See, I don't go to school,I get home tutored, so at this point the penny dropped that obviously B had wanted to get one over the ex friend and told everyone about it.

"How did you know I told 'everyone'?" See now heres the funny bit. How could she know it was me, unless she actually remembers the incident in which she said it.

BIG PAUSE

" Thats not the fking point! Were gonna smash your fking head in! You better watch out! Were gonna f##king k........."

"Bye."

Blocked.

So when i woke up this morning, after a restless night, I was starting to panic a bit as the reality of the interaction had just started to sink in.

However, SA is online right now and she hasn't said a word to me.

I am furious at B though. Much as I love her, she obviously wanted to use this nugget of gossip for revenge against my ex friend, and didn't care who she condemned in the meantime. But that is B's problem, and i am deliberating wether such a friendship has more cons than pros.

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So we've started with a lie

And here's the second one:

Chicago is not my real name.

There are too many people in my life who could be hurt by me being honest about who i am, although if they do get their suspicions it is going to be painfully obvious.

Because I live quite a surreal life for a teenager in her gsces year.

*

After Casualty Earlier:

" Mum, dont rush yourself. 'A' can quite easily go get the wheelchair." A - Otherwise known as my stepdad - went to get the wheelchair, after I proved my point as Mum lost her footing and slipped back onto the sofa.

After i had manouvered the wheelchair as close as i could get to the sofa i watched my mum get in the wheelchair and then struggle to wheel herself to her bedroom and finally with A helping her into bed.

"I've definately over done it today". We all knew that straight away when she came in from shopping at Asda and Rosebys and god knows where else today. She mainly went shopping because although it's her birthday tomorrow, Mum is the one hosting the celebration, and therefore had to go to Asda to buy the necessary food for the clan.

Some people might find that a little bit ironic.

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